Anxious avoidant attachment is a complex attachment style that often leads to a variety of problems. While living with this attachment style may feel like a burden at times, it is important to recognize that trauma-informed care and consistent rehabilitation practice can help overcome insecure attachment styles and lead to healthier forms of relating to oneself and others. At ILC, we treat individuals struggling with anxious-avoidant attachment, which is also known as fearful-avoidant attachment. We offer a holistic and evidence-based approach to help clients break free from the constraints of this attachment style.
Attachment Styles Develop Early
Attachment styles form early in a person’s life, primarily during childhood and early adolescence. When our primary caregivers provide consistent and reliable care, we develop a secure attachment. Secure attachments indicate that a child feels secure knowing their parents or caregivers will take care of them.
However, if our caregivers provide inconsistent care or are unavailable, we may develop insecure attachments, such as:
- Anxious-ambivalent: Children who receive inconsistent care seek reassurance by exaggerating distress to get their attention
- Avoidant: When children perceive their caregivers as indifferent and insensitive, they learn to not show their distress.
- Disorganized: Children exposed to inconsistent emotional support, and often abuse, both crave attention and display fear towards their caregiver.
As children grow into adulthood, we often see avoidant attachment or disorganized attachment manifest as anxious-avoidant attachment. Understanding the dynamics of anxious-avoidant attachment is essential for creating and maintaining healthy relationships as an adult.
Types of Attachment as Adults
The attachment styles we develop as children continue to shape our romantic relationships and overall functioning later in life. As a result, we can experience a variety of attachment styles in our adult years, including:
- Secure: Securely attached adults are comfortable with intimacy, trust their partner, and aren’t afraid to be close to others.
- Anxious-Preoccupied: Low self-esteem and a positive view of others are typical of those with an anxious preoccupied attachment style. As a result, they often become dependent on relationships, leading to panic and fear about their partners’ behavior and intentions.
- Dismissive-Avoidant: People with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style tend to have a positive self-view while maintaining a negative view of others. Having experienced avoidant childhood attachment, they value their independence highly and may become nervous when someone gets too close or vulnerable. In order to feel self-sufficient, they often avoid attachment altogether.
- Anxious-Avoidant: Also called fearful-avoidant attachment, this attachment style is usually the result of avoidant attachment or disorganized attachment as children. Anxious-avoidant attachment often expresses itself as regularly worrying that a partner is withdrawing. Individuals with Anxious-avoidant attachment styles want closeness with others, and then struggle to maintain intimacy because they cannot relax in a relationship.
Individuals with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style or a fearful-avoidant attachment style are at greater risk of mental health disorders such as generalized anxiety disorder and depression.
A Closer Look at Anxious-Avoidant Attachment
Individuals with an anxious-avoidant attachment style desire intimate relationships but struggle with closeness and unfortunately find it difficult to trust or depend on others. This fear of getting hurt leads them to avoid intimate relationships altogether. Common symptoms of anxious avoidant attachment in an adult relationship include:
- Anxiety: Constantly worrying about their partner – their partner’s feelings on a topic, the meaning of their actions, and of their overall commitment to the relationship. This includes excessive clinginess or constantly seeking reassurance.
- Avoidance: Withdrawal and resistance to emotional intimacy. They may avoid commitment, shut down during conflicts, and minimize the importance of their partner’s needs.
- Protective Behaviors: Make efforts to control and manipulate their partner’s behavior to ensure constant validation and reassurance.
- Codependency: Engaging in unhealthy patterns, such as enabling or rescuing behaviors, to maintain a sense of security within the relationship.
- Intense Conflict: Frequent and intense arguments triggered by underlying attachment insecurities.
Understanding this attachment style is crucial for fostering healthier and more fulfilling relationships. The symptoms of anxious-avoidant attachment in adult relationships can manifest in a variety of ways, and may even lead to compulsive behaviors if left unchecked.
How Anxious-Avoidant Attachment Impacts Relationships
Anxious-avoidant attachment may make adult relationships very difficult for all parties involved. If the childhood trauma that led to this attachment style isn’t resolved, it can evolve into a cycle of insecurity, distance, and conflict, making it difficult for partners to sustain a healthy connection. Couples with anxious-avoidant attachment may experience:
- Intense Emotional Cycles: The constant oscillation between anxiety and avoidance can create roller coaster dynamics within the relationship, making it difficult for both partners to feel secure and settled.
- Limited Trust: The fear of abandonment and rejection associated with anxious-avoidant attachment may limit trust, making it difficult for partners to fully open up and rely on each other.
- Unhealthy Communication: The fear of rejection and criticism can lead to defensiveness, stonewalling, and ineffective communication, hindering the ability to understand and meet the needs of each other.
- Lack of Emotional Support: The fear of vulnerability and fear of abandonment can hinder the ability to offer and receive emotional support, creating feelings of disconnection and loneliness.
Anxious Avoidant Attachment During Conflict
Anxious-avoidant attachment is particularly challenging during times of conflict. Individuals with anxious-avoidant attachment often struggle with expressing and managing their emotions effectively, which then escalates a conflict to increasing intensity. Common ways anxious-avoidant attachment expresses itself include:
- Engaging in Passive-Aggressive Behaviors: Instead of directly addressing their issues, individuals with anxious avoidant attachment may express their dissatisfaction indirectly or through actions rather than words.
- Avoiding Conflict: Rather than engaging in conflicts, they may shut down completely, making it difficult to resolve issues in a constructive way.
- Reacting with Defensiveness: Instead of taking responsibility for their role in the conflict and acknowledging their partner’s perspective, they may react with defensiveness and deny any wrongdoing.
- Repeatedly Seeking Validation: Anxious-avoidant attachment may motivate repeatedly seeking reassurance, even in the midst of an argument, to maintain the sense of security they seek.
Ways to Overcome Anxious Avoidant Attachment
Overcoming fearful-avoidant attachment requires self-reflection, open communication, and a commitment to healthy relationships. If you suspect that you or your partner has an anxious-avoidant attachment style, these strategies may help you navigate interpersonal conflict and find healthier ways to function in your relationship.
- Practicing Self-Awareness: Recognizing and acknowledging your own attachment style and its impact on your relationships is crucial for making positive changes. Identifying and understanding your own attachment style will serve as a good starting point.
- Using Effective Communication: Learning to express your needs and feelings openly and honestly, while also remaining receptive to your partner’s perspective, is essential for building trust and resolving conflicts.
- Establishing and Maintaining Boundaries: Establishing healthy boundaries helps create emotional safety within the relationship, allowing both partners to feel comfortable expressing their feelings and needs without fear of judgment or rejection by the other.
- Seeking Professional Help: Seeking out support from a therapist or counselor specializing in attachment issues can provide valuable insights and guidance.
A Holistic Approach to Healing at ILC in Nashville, TN
Anxious-avoidant attachment is a complex and often challenging attachment style that can significantly impact adult relationships of all kinds. By understanding anxious-avoidant attachment and seeking professional help, you can see their patterns for what they are and break free of them.
We specialize in helping individuals through anxiety treatment, trauma recovery, and PTSD symptoms. We offer a holistic and evidence-based approach to help individuals overcome this attachment dynamic and thrive in their relationships. With our tailored treatment plans and compassionate approach, we can guide you on the path to healing and self-discovery. Contact us today at (615) 891-2226 to learn more about our treatment and recovery programs!
