“My husband is addicted to porn. How could this happen?”
That’s a common thought for many wives as they grapple with the reality that their husband is regularly watching porn. So many questions can fill your mind: When did this start? Why is my husband watching porn? What does he really think of me? Does he know how much this hurts me?
Ultimately, it’s hard to conceptualize the varied impact pornography addiction can have on marriages. Wives of porn addicts can experience a variety of feelings when they find out, from anger to hurt to shame and more. Even so, if your husband is addicted to porn, you ideally want to help him heal from this addiction and restore your relationship moving forward.
Wives of Porn Addicts: It’s Not Your Fault
Before we dive further into how to help your husband with porn addiction, let’s clear up one important thing: it’s not your fault. We’ll say that again—your husband’s porn addiction is not. your. fault.
When you find out that your husband has a porn addiction, it’s common to feel that you’ve played a role somehow in the development of his addiction. “Maybe I haven’t been as open to sex lately,” “I know my body has changed since we had kids,” or “I’m not as young as I used to be” are just a few of the thoughts you may have as you try to make sense of it all. Perhaps your husband has even tried to implicate you subtly in this way during recent conflicts—even shifting the blame for his addiction on you. With that said, it’s key for wives of porn addicts to understand a few crucial facts:
- You didn’t cause your husband’s porn addiction
- You can’t manage or control your husband’s porn addiction
- You’re not responsible to heal your husband addicted to porn
Believe it or not, your husband’s porn addiction likely started before you got married. And this may be even more shocking: his addiction is not about sex—and it’s not about you, either.
When someone’s addicted to porn, they use pornography as a coping mechanism for their own negative feelings. Like a drug addict uses meth, heroin, or cocaine, a porn addict uses sex, masturbation, and porn to cope. Frankly, there’s nothing you did to put yourself in this situation. Your husband will ultimately need to take the responsibility of overcoming his porn addiction himself, but you can take steps to help him along the way.
What Exactly is Porn Addiction?
In order to help your husband recover well, you need to understand what porn addiction is all about. Considered an intimacy disorder and form of hypersexuality, porn addiction is the excessive consumption of pornography. In truth, your husband may want to figure out how to stop watching porn, but his urges to watch are so out of control that he can’t on his own. This only leads to further distress—and further porn. Someone addicted to porn can get to the point where their addiction makes it difficult for them to participate in the normal activities of daily life. Their addiction even can damage relationships and negatively impact their career.
Hypersexuality and trauma are often interconnected, and this applies to porn addiction as well. Often, porn addiction develops as a response to unresolved past trauma. In an attempt to self-medicate the triggers and negative feelings associated with this trauma, your husband may have sought pornography to help him feel better in the moment. But your husband probably didn’t realize what porn does to the brain.
In short, when watching porn, your brain releases an abnormally high amount of dopamine—the pleasure chemical—signaling the experience as a reward. Consequently, you may seek out more porn in the future to achieve the same effect. But after a while, your brain gets used to the amount of dopamine released during porn, so you need to consume more porn to get the same dopamine hit. Before you know it, you’re addicted to porn and can’t stop watching it.
How to Help Your Husband With Porn Addiction
So if your husband is addicted to porn, what can you actually do to help him? First of all, if your husband admits that he needs help for his addiction (especially after taking a porn addiction quiz to find out), that’s a good thing. Because his addiction is more than just about behavior or even moral choices, asking for help isn’t a form of weakness. Ultimately, your husband will need professional help to address his past trauma in order to overcome his addiction. Because his addiction is likely rooted in trauma from the past, certain ways you can help may not be as effective as others, but here are a few ideas for supporting him along his recovery journey:
Establish Healthy Boundaries
No matter what, you should live in a healthy environment, even when your husband has a porn addiction. That means you should require changes in his behavior (which honors yourself) and not make deals to enable his porn addiction. You may need to get advice from a CSAT therapist to come up with healthy boundaries. However, when you do set boundaries, you’re keeping your ultimately marriage relationship healthy.
Install Porn Blocking Software
Talk with your husband about installing porn blocking software on all the devices you both own (phone, computer, tablet, TV, etc.). These porn blockers, such as Covenant Eyes, prevent him from accessing porn and create a safe environment in the home.
Gently Advocate for Professional Therapy
In all honesty, porn addiction is a mental health issue as well as an intimacy disorder. To fully heal his addiction (as well as the root causes of his trauma), your husband needs to partner with a professional CSAT therapist. He’ll get better equipped to cope in a healthier way with negative feelings in the future, too.
Encourage Support Groups
A husband with porn addiction can find helpful community in support groups. These groups are often composed of others who have struggled with or are recovering from porn addiction, giving your husband the opportunity to learn from others’ experiences.
Explore Porn Addiction Intensive Programs
Many treatment centers offer residential therapy options, such as our 28-day Men’s Inpatient Sex Addiction and Intimacy Disorders Treatment Program. These intensives allow men like your husband to step away from distractions and focus solely on healing their porn addiction. While it may be hard for your husband to be away for a limited amount of time, participating in this program can make an incredibly helpful impact on your marriage in the long run.
Get the Support YOU Need
Betrayal trauma in wives of porn addicts is a real thing. Consequently, your husband isn’t the only one who may need to seek professional help during this time. It’s important for you to consider partnering with a betrayal trauma therapy program to process your husband’s porn addiction as well.
If Your Husband is Addicted to Porn, Integrative Life Center Can Help Him Heal
Though you may be dealing with the fallout of your husband’s porn addiction, there is hope. With the right therapy, your husband can overcome his addiction, and you both can restore your marriage. At Integrative Life Center in Nashville, TN, we offer comprehensive, holistic porn addiction treatment options. With our trauma-informed care approach, real healing for your husband is possible. To learn more, contact us today.
